


Life After Lin Yanjun

by Kill3rWhal3D1ck



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Carnival, Fluff and Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kill3rWhal3D1ck/pseuds/Kill3rWhal3D1ck
Summary: You Zhangjing goes on a personal mission to heal his broken heart by visiting all the places that remind him of his ex-boyfriend. Friendly bookstore attendant Wang Ziyi gets inexplicably tied up in the life of his favourite customer, and he's not complaining.





	1. Week 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first ZhangYi fic! We all knew this had to happen after all the ZhangYi action at the Nine Percent fanmeet! Enjoy!!

*Ring*

The gentle tinkling of the door bell signalled the entrance of a potential customer.

Ziyi stood up from his seat at the counter and smiled at the new arrival. The young man nodded at Ziyi, shooting him an almost nervous smile. Why he would be nervous was a mystery though. There was nothing intimidating about Royal Bookstore. Despite the kingly name, it was a modest establishment. With the exception of a few zines and fictional works from independent local publishers, the rest of the store was dedicated to books regarding the arts. Visual art, performing art, you name it. Royal Bookstore would have a few titles on the art form you were looking for.

Ziyi had been working at RB for the better part of a year but had never seen this young man before. He was of moderate height and casually dressed. His heart-shaped face had a gentle kind of handsomeness and his wavy brown hair fell over his beautiful expressive eyes. The way he walked around the store told Ziyi that he was familiar with the layout. He didn’t seem interested in the books around him, instead paying attention to the ambience of the store. He ran his fingers along the wooden frames of the shelves as he walked. Discreetly felt the tassels of the table runners between his fingers. He cocked his head when he heard sounds from the floor above (a children’s ballet studio had recently opened overhead and they made a bit more noise than Ziyi would have liked). He even seemed to be breathing differently. Deep, even and slow breaths. As if taking in the scent of the bookstore. Finally, the young man paused at a small couch near one of the windows and took a seat, his gaze still roaming distractedly across the store.

Ziyi approached him and gave him a small smile.

“Can I help you with anything?”

“Umm.. This is kind of a ridiculous request,” the young man replied sheepishly. “But there was a reservation for a book under the name Lin Yanjun that was never claimed. A World Through Maps: A History of Cartography by John R Short. You probably aren’t reserving the book anymore but do you still have a copy?” He flashed Ziyi an apologetic smile that showed off his cute uneven teeth. Ziyi didn’t think he could deny him anything with a smile like that.

“Give me a moment. Let me check the system. John R Short you said?”

#########

Zhangjing watched as the store attendant walked back to the counter to access the store’s records.

Then he let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding.

He hadn’t stepped foot in the Royal Bookstore for more than a year. Not since-

Well not since Lin Yanjun broke up with him.

He felt a dull ache of sadness at the very thought. Lin Yanjun. The man he believed was his soulmate. The man who was in his every thought and with whom he shared every joy. Royal Bookstore was one of them. They frequented the store almost every week when they were together. After the break-up Zhangjing couldn’t imagine visiting the store anymore without him.

In fact Zhangjing couldn’t imagine visiting many places anymore without him. Favourite restaurants and cafes and parks. All these places were imprinted with too many memories of their time together. Too many reminders of loss.

For more than a year Zhangjing had strictly avoided all things that would remind him of Yanjun. Then one day, he woke up and asked himself why. Why deny himself the joys of all these places he loved? He had loved these places before Lin Yanjun and he should allow himself to love these places after Lin Yanjun. Since that morning, a small but steadily growing voice inside Zhangjing was calling for him to reclaim these places. It is true, he had lost himself in Yanjun. It was hard to admit, even to himself, but Zhangjing had slowly forgotten how to define himself outside of a relationship. He sighed.

Well look at what you’ve done, he thought. Now we’ve got this mess to clean up.

Zhangjing made a promise to himself. Every week he would visit one place that he had not dared to visit since the break-up. He would confront his fears and his memories. And if he was strong enough to do that it would be proof to himself that he was strong enough to move on.

 _Move on_. What does that even mean. Zhangjing sighed again.

The first week of his personal project, he decided to visit Royal Bookstore and pick up the maps book. He had had his eye on that book for the longest time and Yanjun had promised to gift it to him one day. When he chanced upon the reservation ticket for the book in Yanjun’s apartment, Zhangjing was ecstatic. But as fate would have it, they would break up a little more than a week after. Zhangjing decided that if Yanjun wouldn’t get him this book, he would get it himself. He chuckled at his situation. How _poetic_ of him to start this journey with a book about navigation and and finding one’s way.

This journey was really happening. His lips formed a small smile.

Maybe in a few months time he’ll be okay again. Zhangjing gently picked up that sliver of hope and planted it deeply in his heart.

Maybe.

“You’re lucky. This is the last copy we have.”

Zhangjing was jolted out of his reverie by the shop attendant’s low voice. Zhangjing took the book from his outstretched hands. It was a gorgeous hardcover book. The title was emblazoned across the cover in gold lettering and the cover itself had the image of a map from ancient Islamic civilization. Intricately hand-drawn details and deep rich tones. Excitement bubbled in Zhangjing’s chest. He was reminded of why he had wanted this book so badly. All the oppressive feelings of sadness that had assaulted him from when he first stepped into the bookstore were pushed from his mind, at least for the moment.

“I’ll take it!”

 

* * *

 

A World Through Maps was not, strictly speaking, a book on art. But its beautifully illustrated pages were of enough artistic value to warrant being on the Royal Bookstore stock list. It took a bit of digging around in the dusty storage room at the back to find it but it was worth the trouble.

As Ziyi watched the young man leave the store, book clutched tightly to his chest, Ziyi wished he was the kind of person who could be upfront with people. If only he could’ve sparked a conversation with him.

And maybe asked for his number?

Ziyi shook his head. He would never have had the guts for anything like that.

He could only hope that the young man would visit again soon.

The image of the young man’s eyes lighting up when he saw the book flashed across his mind. Without realising, Ziyi smiled.

Yes, he hoped he would visit again soon.


	2. Week 2

_This was getting ridiculous._

 

You Zhangjing was approaching his destination- Pepper Cafe. The thing is, in the past half hour, he had passed Pepper Cafe twice on two separate routes that ran through the area and each time he did not enter.

 

Or rather, he dared not enter.

 

Pepper Cafe was the place Zhangjing had chosen to reclaim this week. It was a cosy cafe with warm lighting and big glass windows overlooking the bustling street outside. The coffee was decent but the real draw of the place was the baked goods. Fudgey Walnut Brownies, Lemon Blueberry Bundt Cake, Thai Mango Coconut Cake. Their selection was always exciting and always delicious. Zhangjing and Yanjun used to spend hours there at their favourite table, eating and chatting. It was one of Zhangjing’s favourite ways to pass the evening after a hard day of work.

 

Or rather, it used to be.

 

The week after Yanjun broke up with him, Zhangjing had visited the Pepper Cafe on his own in an attempt to eat his feelings. It was a terrible mistake. Tears that he was sure were well under control started streaming down his face before he had even taken a bite of his scone. The cafe owner had even approached him, asking with genuine concern if anything was wrong. Zhangjing had wanted to reply that everything was wrong but instead flashed him a forced teary-eyed smile before dashing out of the cafe. It was an embarrassing event. One Zhangjing had no intention of repeating.

 

Zhangjing took a few deep breaths as the Pepper Cafe loomed ever-closer. He could do this, Zhangjing told himself. It has been almost a year. He was better now. He had visited Royal Bookstore last week without incident. He could visit Pepper Cafe without incident too. No one would remember his breakdown in the middle of lunch hour from a year ago. He had walked by the cafe twice already. Third time’s the charm right?

 

Despite this internal pep talk, Zhangjing’s apprehension only grew. He was only a few steps away from the entrance now. He knew that if he did not enter the cafe this time, he would simply return home with regret crushing his bones.

 

Zhangjing looked through the cafe’s windows and scanned the customers seated within. His gaze was immediately drawn to one familiar individual.

 

_The shop attendant from the Royal Bookstore._

 

Zhangjing hardened his resolve and tried not to think too hard. He grabbed the doorknob (perhaps with a little more force than necessary), pushed open the door of Pepper Cafe and strode swiftly to where the shop attendant was seated.

 

“HI!” Zhangjing said, wincing slightly at how loud his voice sounded in the quiet cafe.

 

The shop attendant looked up from his book and almost spilled his tea in surprise.

 

“Hi!” he replied, smiling warmly.

 

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Zhangjing asked, heart thumping. He had not thought this through. What if this young man was waiting for a friend? Or simply wanted to be alone? He suddenly felt terrible for imposing and was just about to take back his request when-

 

“No problem at all.”

 

Zhangjing all but collapsed into the seat opposite the shop attendant. Relief washed through his being as he gave the young man opposite him the brightest, most grateful smile he could muster.

 

“Thank you so much,” Zhangjing said. “I’m so sorry, you don’t even know me. I’m You Zhangjing.”

 

“I'm Wang Ziyi,” the shop attendant replied, still smiling warmly as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Perhaps nervous strangers bother him all the time.

 

As Zhangjing calmed down, he tried to make sense of what just happened. He had seen the shop attendant through the glass window. It occured to him how much easier today’s mission would be in the company of someone else. The wild idea that the young man would not mind having a drink together popped into his head. Where this idea came from Zhangjing had no idea. He didn’t know anything about the shop attendant, aside from the fact that he was very helpful and very handsome. Regardless, Zhangjing was thankful. The wild idea had propelled him to finally get his foot through the door of the Pepper Cafe. Today's mission was already halfway a success.

 

* * *

 

“Are you alright?” Ziyi asked, lips pressed together in worry. He didn’t think it polite to mention but Zhangjing always seemed slightly anxious every time he saw him. “What do you feel like drinking? I’ll order it for you.”

 

Ziyi made to stand but Zhangjing tugged his sleeve and insisted he remain seated.

 

“I’m okay! I’m okay!” Zhangjing repeated. He looked flustered and touched that Ziyi had offered to get his drink. “I’ll get it myself. I’ll be right back." Zhangjing stood up and made his way to the counter. As Zhangjing placed his order, Ziyi thought about how his heart did a little flip when Zhangjing had tugged his sleeve. He was grateful for the brilliant coincidence that brought Zhangjing to this cafe. Ziyi enjoyed spending days off alone but could not deny that he felt a little lonely at times. He more than welcomed Zhangjing’s intrusion into his otherwise bland Sunday afternoon. 

 

Zhangjing was dressed in an oversized deep blue button-down shirt and grey jeans. He looked just as handsome as Ziyi remembered him to be. The black MCM backpack that was hanging off Zhangjing’s seat was the same one he carried when he had visited Royal Bookstore last week. It must be his favourite bag. Zhangjing returned with a coffee and a slice of cake.

 

“We can share this cake if you like,” Zhangjing said, smiling apologetically. He had already brought two forks. “As a thank you for letting me disturb you.”

 

“Please, no need to be sorry,” Ziyi assured him. “You are much better company than a book, I promise.”

 

Ziyi’s words made Zhangjing visibly more relaxed.

 

“What are you reading?” Zhangjing asked, handing Ziyi a fork before taking a bite of the cake. His eyes lit up at the taste of chocolate. It was absolutely adorable.

 

“A book from the Royal Bookstore clearance bin,” Ziyi replied, chuckling. “It’s about singing techniques? I've been at this for almost an hour and I can’t say I understand much more about it from when I started.”

 

“Oh!” Zhangjing exclaimed, eyes shining. “What don’t you understand? It’s not a huge deal but I do some vocal coaching on the side. Maybe I can help.”

 

They spent the next half hour talking about singing and discovered they had a mutual interest in music and performing. Ziyi learnt that Zhanjing worked two part-time jobs- as a piano tutor and a vocal coach. He also sang live at bars and restaurants every once in a while. Ziyi shared about the group of rappers and dancers he belonged to and how they performed at gigs whenever they could. As they talked about their shared passion, Ziyi could feel the awkwardness between them slowly melt away. Zhangjing was surprisingly easy to talk to. Surprising because Ziyi was not much of a conversationist himself, preferring to retreat into the role of listener. But something about Zhangjing brought out his chattier side. Zhangjing was clearly present in the conversation. He seemed sincerely interested in what Ziyi had to say and asked all the right questions. Ziyi was also drawn by Zhangjing’s animated way of speaking. When he spoke, his hands moved and he employed a great range of facial expressions. It made all the stories he told a bit more colourful, a bit more humorous.

 

When Zhangjing got cake on his chin, Ziyi had to suppress the urge to reach over the table and gently wipe it off with a napkin. The urge surprised Ziyi. This wide-eyed, brown-haired man was having quite an effect on him. Ziyi tapped his own chin instead and Zhangjing laughed, grabbing a napkin and wiping the cake of his face, all the while lamenting about what a messy eater he was. 

 

The conversation was beginning to taper off so Ziyi reached for a new topic.

 

“What brings you here to Pepper Cafe by the way?" he asked.

 

Zhangjing looked away and bit the inside of his cheek, his expression darkening. Ziyi immediately regretted his question. When Zhangjing looked to Ziyi again, Ziyi could see conflict in the older man’s eyes.

 

Conflict and a deep, deep sadness.

 

Ziyi’s heart ached for Zhangjing. Despite the cheerful chatter, Zhangjing was clearly dealing with something very painful inside. Keeping up a convincing carefree facade can feel very isolating. Ziyi was familiar with the feeling. Finally, as if coming to a decision, Zhangjing took a deep breath and said, “Would you like to hear a long story?”

 

Ziyi smiled. He would listen all night if it would help his new friend.

 

“I’ve got nowhere else to be,” Ziyi replied. “And I like long stories.”

 

Zhangjing smirked. “Okay but stop me anytime you want alright? I don’t want to bore you.”

 

As Zhangjing talked about his ex-boyfriend, the late afternoon slowly gave way to evening. Ziyi learnt about Lin Yanjun. How he and Zhangjing got together, how happy they were, how well he was doing as a translator translating Mandarin and English documents for a major Taiwanese company. Ziyi learnt about Yanjun’s increasingly frequent business trips leading up to a job offer to work at the company’s headquarters in Taipei. He heard Zhangjing talk about his reluctance for Yanjun to take up the job offer because he worried about distance affecting their relationship. (Yanjun on the other hand believed that they could make a long-distance relationship work and dismissed Zhangjing’s worries.) Ziyi listened as Zhangjing confessed to feeling selfish for holding Yanjun back from pursuing his career. He listened as Zhangjing described how they grew more and more distant during that time. Until one day Yanjun announced that he had accepted the job offer and that he had developed feelings for a colleague who was also moving to Taipei. Ziyi felt his heart constrict listening to how the break up had submerged Zhangjing in loss and pain. And then felt the hope Zhangjing felt as he detailed his personal mission to heal himself by visiting places he used to cherish with his ex-boyfriend.

 

By the time Zhangjing was done, it was 8PM. Zhangjing’s eyes were red but not a tear spilled from them. Ziyi wondered if Zhangjing had any tears left to cry. Ziyi was speechless. Zhangjing had exposed so much of himself and shared so many raw feelings. And now that it was over, Ziyi had no idea what to say. Zhangjing was unmoving, eyes trained on his empty cup of coffee. He looked awkward, as if suddenly realising how vulnerable he had allowed himself to be in front of Ziyi.

 

Ziyi didn’t know what to say but he knew that sometimes words aren’t necessary. He stood up, went over to Zhangjing, crouched down and gave Zhangjing a tight hug. Zhangjing, who was still seated, stiffened at the hug but eventually relaxed into it. They stayed like this for a few seconds more, feeling each other’s steady breaths, ignoring the curious stares of the cafe-goers around them. When Ziyi let go of Zhangjing, he was relieved to see that Zhangjing looked considerably calmer. His eyes were less red, the furrow from between his brows was gone and he was smiling in a way that brought a kind of glow to his face. Ziyi returned to his seat, his heart full.

 

“Thank you,” Zhangjing said softly.

 

“Thank _you_ ,” Ziyi replied. “For sharing.”

 

A comfortable silence followed. They gathered their things and returned their cups and plate to the counter.

 

“Do you want to walk around for a bit?” Zhangjing asked. He bit his lip, nervously awaiting Ziyi’s reply.

 

“Sure,” Ziyi said. In that moment, Ziyi was unsure if he would ever be able to deny the man anything.

 

They exited the cafe together and inhaled the crisp evening air. The street was bathed in the amber light of the street lamps flickering overhead. A light breeze drifted across the weekend crowd. There were numerous couples and young families out, chatting excitedly and seemingly headed in the same direction.

 

“Ah yes!” Ziyi said, looking at the delighted faces of the young children passing by. “Today is the last day of the carnival. I’d completely forgotten about it. I used to go with my family every year as a kid.”

 

Zhangjing replied with a groan.

 

“I completely forgot about the carnival. You know what Ziyi?” Zhangjing said clapping his hand on Ziyi’s shoulder. “It’s getting late-“

 

“It’s only 8:15PM.”

 

“IT’S GETTING LATE and I think it’s better if I headed back home. Thank you so much for today but I suddenly don’t feel up for walking,” Zhangjing said in an oddly high tone, with a smile far too wide to be convincingly sincere.

 

Ziyi put two and two together in a second. He snapped his fingers and pointed at Zhangjing.

 

“You used to go to the carnival with Yanjun!” Ziyi concluded.

 

Zhangjing pursed his lips and glared mockingly at Ziyi. “Well aren’t you a detective? Of course I did! Every couple in town goes to the carnival. Which is why I can’t handle being out here right now watching all these couples head over there.” Zhangjing put one hand to his hip and hunched over, pretending to be in pain. “I’m an old man now. I have no energy to confront more than one venue a day laden with memories of my ex.”

 

“But this is the last day of the carnival! You _have_  to go today! You won’t get a chance again until next year,” Ziyi insisted.

 

“Then I suppose I have no choice then but to wait a year. Farewell Ziyi,” Zhangjing replied. He turned on his heel and walked away.

 

Ziyi laughed and caught up with his friend.

 

“You _want_ to go,” Ziyi whispered. The upper corner of Zhangjing’s mouth twitched upward. “You want to go but you’re nervous.” Ziyi chuckled. “DON’T BE!” the younger man exclaimed, slapping Zhangjing on the back. “I can go with you! We can conquer this together!”

 

“Number one. You didn’t need to slap me on the back so hard. I almost choked on my own saliva,” Zhangjing said glaring at Ziyi. “Number two. I am not ‘conquering' anything with you. This is my mission and I’m gonna do it as slowly or as quickly as I want.”

 

“O-oka-AY,” Ziyi replied in a singsong voice. “I suppose I’ll just have to go myself. Goodbye then.” He smiled tauntingly at Zhangjing before turning around and walking in the direction of the carnival.

 

Ziyi had only taken ten or so steps before he heard Zhangjing jog over to walk alongside him. He was pouting, digging his hands deep into his pockets and refusing to make eye contact. When Zhangjing realised Ziyi’s satisfied grin he pushed Ziyi’s side, causing him to lose balance momentarily. Ziyi laughed.

 

“If I end up miserable later, it’s gonna be your fault,” Zhangjing warned.

 

“You will have a good time,” Ziyi replied, emphasising every word. “I promise.”

 

Zhangjing scoffed. “I hate promises. My ex promised me so much and look at me now. I’m a damn mess.”

 

Ziyi snickered. “Good thing I’m not your ex then.”

 

* * *

 

Zhangjing put up a moody front the entire walk to the carnival but to be honest he was secretly excited at the prospect of good, wholesome carnival fun. When Zhangjing gave it a miss last year he didn’t know what made him sadder- the fact that he was single or that he was too much of a coward to partake in one of the highlights of June. Zhangjing’s worries dissolved as the carnival entered into view. Sounds of laughter and screaming met their ears. Pop music boomed through the speakers and the smell of food wafted through the air.

 

Zhangjing was practically bouncing in barely contained excitement. “Come _on_!” he said to Ziyi, quickening his pace. When he realised the taller man was still walking leisurely. Zhangjing rolled his eyes, strode back to his friend, linked his arm through his and practically dragged Ziyi along with him. Ziyi threw his head back and laughed.

 

“You Zhangjing suddenly loves the carnival. Wooowwww..!” Ziyi drawled.

 

“Shut up and keep walking,” Zhangjing said, trying to ignore how much he enjoyed having his arm entwined with Ziyi’s.

 

#########

 

Zhangjing had a system.

 

Tackle the food section of the carnival first because if you go later all the good stuff will be sold out. Then the games stalls. No rides to be had directly after food in case they were nausea-inducing. Thrown up food is a disrespect to the hawkers of the food stalls. Game stalls had to come after food stalls so the food has had some time to digest. The rides and other miscellaneous activities would be considered last. Food. Games. Rides. Any deviation from this order was anarchy.

 

Zhangjing almost hissed at him when Ziyi suggested they ride the spinning teacups first. Ziyi seemed amused at Zhangjing’s strict carnival rules but did not complain, allowing himself to be dragged around by his new friend.

 

Zhangjing was so moved by the carnival food he almost cried. There was no shame in admitting it. Delicious food with minimal nutritional value was Zhangjing’s favourite kind of food. Giant mozzarella-stuffed hotdogs covered in more mozzarella, coated in bread crumbs and deep fried? Phenomenal. Green milk tea served in bags the size of your head? Amazing. Bite-sized salted caramel churros with chocolate sauce? Inspired. Takoyaki covered with cheese, minced beef and chili slices? Divine. Zhangjing felt his mood lift with every bite he took and Ziyi was clearly enjoying himself too. They had bought more food than they had hands to hold. The only way they could keep eating while walking is if they fed each other. Zhangjing held their small tray of takoyaki while Ziyi hung the bag of milk tea from his right arm, held the paper cone of churros with his right hand and held the stick of giant cheese hotdog in his left. Since Zhangjing had one free hand, he was in charge of feeding the both of them takoyaki and churros. Ziyi was in charge of feeding them the hotdog and if Zhangjing wanted a sip of milk tea, Ziyi simply had to stick his right arm out. It was a good system. Zhangjing was in the middle of feeding Ziyi his second takoyaki when he heard the shriek of a familiar voice.

 

“YOU ZHANGJING!”

 

Zhangjing whipped his head in the direction of the voice and caught sight of his best friend Lin Chaoze, with Lu Dinghao and Bei Honglin in tow.

 

Zhangjing was suddenly intensely aware of how he and Ziyi appeared. They were at a carnival popular with couples feeding food to each other and having fun. Zhangjing could already see Chaoze’s eyes gleaming as he practically skipped towards them. The man loved good gossip fodder. Zhangjing was halfway through introducing his friends to Ziyi when Chaoze interrupted, waving his hand impatiently.

 

“ _Zhangjing_..! Why didn't you tell us you were coming with a friend..?" Chaoze said, looking Ziyi up and down before giving Zhangjing an exaggerated wink. Zhangjing wished the ground beneath him would swallow him whole. "We could have come together!"

 

"It was kind of a spontaneous decision," Zhangjing said. His voice was level but inside him was a slowly rising panic. The last thing Zhangjing wanted was for Ziyi to be scared off by his friends' insinuations that they were dating. Zhangjing gave Chaoze a pleading gaze, praying with all his heart that Chaoze would not make the situation any more awkward than he already had. Chaoze however, was enjoying himself far too much.

 

“SO LOVELY!" Chaoze exclaimed. “Spontaneous dates are the BEST." "Don't you agree.. ummm? I'm sorry I didn't catch your name," Chaoze said, addressing Ziyi sweetly.

 

"Wang Ziyi," Ziyi replied, mouth full of takoyaki. If Chaoze’s suggestive tone made Ziyi uncomfortable, he didn’t show it. He was munching away while giving Zhangjing's friends his signature warm smile. Zhangjing looked to Dinghao and Honglin for help but they were useless. Dinghao was on his phone, probably live-tweeting this disastrous encounter. Honglin was trying hard not to laugh.

 

“It’s not a date Chaoze..” Zhangjing sighed, wishing his friends would just leave instead of prolonging his suffering.

 

“Oh uh. You got something on your face,” Honglin said, holding out a tissue to Ziyi. Zhangjing noticed that Ziyi had gotten takoyaki juices on his chin but had no way to wipe it off since his hands were full. Without thinking, Zhangjing took the tissue from Honglin, stepped in front of Ziyi and gently wiped the mess off his face.

 

_CLICK_!

 

The sound of Dinghao’s phone camera went off and Zhangjing froze. _What was he doing?_  Flustered, Zhangjing backed away from Ziyi, internally cursing himself for the blush starting to form on his cheeks.

 

“THIS ONE'S GOING ON INSTAGRAM!” Dinghao yelled. The three of them roared with laughter and Zhangjing could feel his blush intensifying.

 

“You cuties enjoy your evening okay?” Honglin said. The three friends waved and headed towards the rides, still laughing. Chaoze looked over his shoulder to shoot Zhangjing another exaggerated wink.

 

Zhangjing squated, hung his head and groaned.

 

“I am _so_  sorry!” Zhangjing said, not daring to meet Ziyi’s eyes until his blush had subsided. “I’ll make them delete that picture for sure.”

 

“Ah don’t stress yourself over it,” Ziyi said, squatting next to Zhangjing and taking a gulp of the milk tea. “It was all good, innocent fun. I don’t mind, seriously.”

 

Zhangjing let out a derisive laugh. When his three friends got like that, nothing about their fun was good or innocent. It became cruel and mortifying fun at the expense of Zhangjing. Zhangjing sighed in resignation. At the very least Zhangjing could feel grateful for one thing. Ziyi seemed completely unaffected by their interaction with the terrible trio. Zhangjing could feel Ziyi’s warmth as Ziyi linked an arm through Zhangjing’s to hoist the older man up to his feet. Zhangjing reluctantly complied.

 

“We haven’t even started on the games and rides! Let’s go!” Ziyi said encouragingly.

 

* * *

 

Ziyi’s heart was humming with joy. Zhangjing’s touch as he gently wiped Ziyi's lips and chin was still fresh in his mind. With their faces so close, Ziyi had a full, close-up view of Zhangjing’s beautiful brown eyes. Ziyi felt like he could stare into them forever. When Zhangjing blushed subsequently, Ziyi had found it perfectly adorable. Ziyi knew that their attraction was mutual and he couldn’t be more thrilled. He was walking alongside Zhangjing whose face was relaxed and happy. Zhangjing’s mood had improved considerably after the encounter with his friends. They had finished their food and had attempted at least five different game stalls. Zhangjing had won a small duck-shaped torchlight keychain and 2 boxes of cookies. Ziyi had won a medium-sized stuffed giraffe which he carried proudly. He had had poor luck at most of the games stalls (Zhangjing had very inelegantly described it as him “sucking at carnival games”) so he was quite pleased when his first win earned him a sizeable prize.

 

“It’s getting late,” Zhangjing said, glancing at the time on his phone. “Let’s just do one last thing before we head back home?”

 

Ziyi nodded. His eyes scanned the various rides before finally landing on a promising option.

 

“Let’s go to the haunted house,” Ziyi suggested excitedly.

 

“NO.”

 

“What?”

 

“NO,” Zhangjing insisted. "I don’t do well in haunted houses." He crossed his arms over his chest and straightened his back, daring Ziyi to challenge him.

 

Zhangjing is so cute.

 

“Can I bribe you?” Ziyi asked. When Ziyi saw a flash of indecision in Zhangjing’s eyes, he knew he had won.

 

“Dinner at Haidilao. On me. Next Tuesday after work,” Ziyi continued. Zhangjing said nothing but his resolve was visibly deteriorating.

 

“It’s decided then!” Ziyi went behind Zhangjing to unzip his backpack and stuff his giraffe toy in. “Carry this for me for a while. I don’t have a bag and I don't want to drop this in the haunted house.”

 

“I DIDN’T AGREE TO ANYTHING,” Zhangjing cried.

 

“But you didn’t disagree!” Ziyi said, laughing. “Let’s GO. Like you said, it’s getting late!” Ziyi flung his arm around Zhangjing’s shoulders and steered them both to the entrance, ignoring the glares Zhangjing was giving him.

 

The moment they stepped into the haunted house, Ziyi knew he had made one of the best decisions of the year. Zhangjing had immediately latched himself onto his arm, eyes wide in fearful anticipation. The first scare had Zhangjing screaming as he pressed himself against Ziyi. Ziyi, however, was laughing and gave the zombie a fake growl. The rest of the haunted house walk continued in similar fashion with Zhangjing being terrified and Ziyi being amused while trying to hide his delight at their closeness. Occasionally Zhangjing’s soft curls would tickle the underside of his chin or he would catch a whiff of the older man’s cologne. When they exited the haunted house, Zhangjing let go of his arm and Ziyi regretted that the walk was not longer. Zhangjing was still clutching his heart, trying to calm himself. Ziyi coughed nervously. He hoped the darkness was enough to conceal the light blush that was starting to form on his cheeks.

 

“That,” Zhangjing said, panting. “Was AWFUL.”

 

“But fun, right?” Ziyi said, grinning.

 

Zhangjing punched him in the arm but it only made Ziyi smile wider.

 

* * *

 

When Zhangjing reached his apartment, he collapsed onto his bed. His chest was bursting with wonderful, warm feelings. He unzipped his bag to look for his earphones but was greeted instead by the sight of a violet blue giraffe toy. Zhangjing pulled it out of his bag and set it gently against his pillows. He gave the giraffe a quick pat on the head before texting Ziyi.

 

**Zhangjing: You forgot to take your giraffe from my bag.**

 

Ziyi replied almost immediately.

 

**Ziyi: Haha. Sorry. You can have it though. As a thank you for entertaining my request to go to the haunted house.**

 

Zhangjing couldn’t help but giggle.

 

**Zhangjing: We’re still going to Haidilao though. Don’t forget.**

 

**Ziyi: Forget dinner with You Zhangjing? Never.**

 

An hour later, Zhangjing was fast asleep with a violet blue giraffe tucked under his arm. Across town, Wang Ziyi lay wide awake in his own bed, reliving the hours he spent with a brown-haired man with beautiful, kind eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter since y'all waited so long! Enjoy! Follow me @nongcubines on Twitter! Heehee.


	3. Week 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient with me! Hope you enjoy this little love triangle. ^^

 

Dance practice had been nothing short of gruelling. Wang Ziyi took a swig of ice-cold water, relishing the way it soothed his parched throat. His brow was shining with sweat and he already knew his muscles would be punishingly sore the next day but Ziyi didn’t mind. There was a certain enjoyment in being able to practice with such intensity. His best friend, Cai Xukun, sat down opposite him, wearing the same expression of satisfied exhaustion. Ziyi offered his bottle of water and Xukun took it gratefully. While he drank, Xukun studied his face closely. Ziyi anticipated the question before it left Xukun’s mouth.

 

“What’s wrong bro?” Xukun asked, wiping stray drops of water from his chin.

 

Ziyi sighed. Thoughts of Zhangjing had been tugging on the edges of his mind. As always, Xukun was quick to pick up that something was bothering his friend.

 

“It’s about Zhangjing,” Ziyi started.

 

Xukun smirked. “It’s always about Zhangjing with you these days.”

 

Ziyi chuckled. He could’t even deny it. “I’ve been thinking about taking it further with him you know? Right now we’re just friends with a little something but I want us to be more.”

 

“Like boyfriends?” Xukun asked.

 

“DID SOMEONE SAY _BOYFRIENDS_?” A loud voice hollered from across the dance studio.

 

Xukun squeezed his eyes shut and suppressed a smile as his boyfriend sprinted over before dropping to his knees, crashing into him and wrapping Xukun in a side-hug. Zhu Zhengting giggled and Xukun’s eyes were shining with a silent joy. Zhengting released Xukun from his hug and faced Ziyi, his expression turning serious.

 

“What’s this I hear about Ziyi getting a boyfriend?” Zhengting said.

 

“Babe, how did you even hear us from all the way over there?” Xukun asked.

 

“Not important,” Zhengting replied, waving away Xukun’s question.

 

Ziyi snickered. Zhengting and Xukun had been together for almost a year but Ziyi never tired of watching them interact. Xukun’s cool collectedness with Zhengting’s unrestrained energy. Ziyi was sure they were a perfect pair.

 

“I met this guy a few weeks back and he’s amazing,” Ziyi said. He launched into the story of how they met, how he felt about Zhangjing, and how he’s been wanting for them to be more than friends. Zhengting was completely attentive, hanging onto Ziyi’s every word.

 

Xukun stared at Zhengting in mock annoyance. “You’re never this focused when I talk about stuff.”

 

“That’s because you don’t talk about your love life cos I am your love life. Talk about me more often and I’ll be all ears babe,” Zhengting replied, pecking an amused Xukun on the cheek.

 

“WELL! Let’s see this You Zhangjing I’ve heard so much about!” Zhengting said whipping out his phone excitedly. “What’s his Instagram @?”

 

“azorachin,” Ziyi replied.

 

Ziyi had scrolled through Zhangjing’s Instagram profile more times than he’d like to admit but he still peered over to look at Zhengting’s phone screen as he tap-tap-tapped past Zhangjing’s many pictures.

 

“An absolute _cutie_!!” Zhengting exclaimed. “Isn’t he kind of exactly your type?”

 

“He definitely is,” Xukun said, nodding in agreement.

 

Ziyi hoped neither of them had noticed his ears going red. “Okay, okay,” Ziyi said, suddenly embarrassed. “I’ve said my piece. Do y’all have any ideas?”

 

“Flowers are always a good bet,” Xukun suggested. “Zhengting loves flowers.”

 

“I’m trying to woo Zhangjing, not Zhengting though,” Ziyi said. He chewed the inside of his right cheek, unsure about the suggestion.

 

“ _Nonsense_!” Zhengting said. “Xukun is right. Flowers are a great idea. When sent by someone you like, they send a clear romantic message. Do you know what flowers Zhangjing likes?”

 

“I don’t,” Ziyi replied, deflating slightly. He wished he knew more about Zhangjing.

 

Zhengting’s eyes were furrowed in concentration as he furiously scrolled through Zhangjing’s Instagram profile again. A few seconds later his eyes widened and he snapped his fingers.

 

“I’ve got it! Azorachin! Azure! He probably likes blue! Get him blue roses. Roses are romantic as hell and in his favourite colour, they’d be perfect!” Zhengting beamed. "I'm so smart oh my God!"

 

Ziyi grinned broadly, picturing Zhangjing receiving a bouquet of blue roses from him and smiling so brightly his eyes formed crescent moons. He felt like hugging Zhengting. It was a brilliant idea.

 

* * *

 

Lin Yanjun regarded the clouds below through the aeroplane window. Amorphous shapes that looked more solid than stone and more beautiful when seen from above than from the earth below. He let out a soft sigh. While his colleage and dear friend, Chen Linong, slumbered peacefully in the seat next to him, Yanjun was wide awake, a million swirling thoughts keeping him from falling asleep.

 

He was en route to his hometown, a place he hadn't visited since he had accepted his current position in the company and flew to Taiwan. He recalled that day in his old apartment, when he had told You Zhangjing that he was leaving. When he told him that he was in love with another and watched sadness turn to anguish on the older man's face. Regret tore away viciously at his heart. The truth was, there was never someone else. Yanjun had lied to force Zhangjing to let him go. At the time it seemed like the best way forward. The prospect of a long-distance relationship made Zhangjing anxious. Zhangjing couldn't bring himself to uproot his whole life and follow Yanjun to Taiwan. Yanjun couldn't bring himself to pass up his dream position in a major media corporation. Yanjun had no idea how frequently he could return to his hometown and how long he would be able to stay each time. It seemed like continuing the relationship would only steal happiness from both of their lives. So he decided on a lie that would result in a clean break for him and Zhangjing.

 

Looking back, Yanjun wondered why he had been so heartless. Zhangjing had as much of a say in the relationship as he did. How could he have made the decision to end it on his own? Even if they did finally break up, it shouldn't have been because of a lie.

 

Yanjun shifted in his seat and pulled the thin blanket up to his chin, eyes unfocused. And what was the point in denying it? Yanjun missed Zhangjing. He couldn't help the jolt of hopefulness whenever he caught sight of someone who looked like his ex-boyfriend on the streets of Taiwan. Couldn't fight the tears that collected in the corners of his eyes when he lay in bed alone some nights. He knew it was selfish to want Zhangjing after cruelly pushing him away but the heart was a stubborn thing.

 

Yanjun came to a decision. He would find Zhangjing, explain himself and try to make it right. Maybe then the both of them could find the closure they needed.

 

With a final sigh, Yanjun's eyes fluttered shut. He prayed for sleep. Zhanjing's kind eyes and soft lips were always clearest in his dreams after all.

 

 


	4. Week 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been too long since my last update. Thank you for sticking with me and this story! ♡♡♡
> 
> I'm gonna be honest. This was the song that moved me to write this story in the first place.

 

Zhangjing tried to ignore the steadily increasing nervousness that was painfully constricting his chest. He was standing backstage at a hip local bar, mere minutes away from performing. Zhangjing was no stranger to singing for an audience (he had performed at this very bar just last month) but this time was different. The last song in his set was a risky choice.

 

Risky because it strongly reminded him of Lin Yanjun.

 

Following the break-up, this song would never fail to bring Zhangjing to tears. In the past month or so however, Zhangjing found that he could listen to it with dry eyes. A sadness would still bloom in his chest from the very first chords that played but not enough to spill over as tears. This development surprised him. Perhaps healing was closer than he thought. Performing this song tonight felt important to Zhangjing. Singing was such a huge part of his life. It was how he told his story and for the past year there was a glaring omission in the stories he told through song. No songs that mirrored his experiences with Lin Yanjun. Zhangjing felt that singing songs that didn't reflect his life drained his performances of colour but he couldn't help it. To sing about Yanjun was too painful.

 

But hopefully tonight would change that.

 

A staff member cued Zhangjing, who took a deep breath and stepped on stage. He smiled warmly at the crowd and introduced himself, though honestly it probably wasn't necessary. He had been performing at the bar for about a year and most of the regulars were familiar with him. He was grateful for the soft encouraging applause he received before starting his set. The sweet sound of the piano floated across the room and Zhangjing sang.

 

He sang of love and all its joys, immersing himself in his performance. Worries were forgotten as he filled the room with his voice, one moment wonderfully light and the next moment bursting with gravity and emotion. The room was silent save for the applause in between songs. Everyone in the audience could see that they were in the presence of an expert vocalist.

 

Finally, Zhangjing reached the final song of his set. He took a drink of water, partly to quench his thirst but mostly to settle his nerves.

 

"This last song has a... _special_ place in my heart," Zhangjing said. "So special that I didn't dare sing it because sharing it would make me too vulnerable." He could feel himself wavering but willed himself to continue. "These last couple of weeks though I've been feeling pretty brave. So I'm going to give this song a try. I hope you know that y'all are special. I haven't sung this for anyone before." He winked at the audience, earning a few chuckles. Several audience members beamed reassuringly at him, silently requesting for him to continue. "This is my cover of Somebody Else by Ebony Day."

 

_So you said you found somebody else_

_And I prayed that that was just a lie_

 

Despite everything he promised himself, the memories came flooding back, painting his mind’s eye with images he had long suppressed.

 

_So I said I loved you one more time_

_In case that would change your mind_

 

Zhangjing remembered the knife of pain that seemed to drive itself deeper and deeper into his chest with every passing second. He remembered his vision blurring with tears as he waited for Yanjun to respond to his “I love you.” Hoping that it meant something to him. _Praying_ it meant something to him after all the time they spent together.

 

Yanjun only smiled sadly in response.

 

_You said I don't want your body but I know that you can find yourself somebody else_

 

Zhangjing remembered how it felt then to have his heart twist so violently in his chest till it ripped itself in two. Zhangjing didn’t want “somebody else”. Ever since he met Lin Yanjun he had never wanted anybody else.

 

_Our love has gone cold and it doesn't feel like home when I hold you close_

 

Zhangjing remembered the fleeting and irrational idea that he deserved this bone-splitting agony. Serves him right for not being able to notice that Yanjun had taken another lover. How could he have claimed to know Yanjun's heart but couldn’t tell when that heart began to beat for another?

 

_And I'm looking at you trying to figure out of this is what you really want_

 

He wanted to reach out and touch Yanjun. To bridge the space between them _somehow_. But in his heart of hearts he knew thay even if he had taken Yanjun in his arms in that moment they would still be lightyears apart. 

 

_I can't help but wonder what went wrong_

_To make forever dead and gone_

 

As Zhanjing sang those two lines, something in him snapped. His voice wavered, then cracked, his vision blurred rapidly. Tears threatening to spill if he did not leave the stage right. That. Second.

 

So that's what he did.

 

* * *

 

Lin Yanjun gasped as a tear rolled down his cheek. Zhangjing had abruptly bowed in the middle of his last song and dashed off the stage, leaving behind a very confused pianist. Surprised voices rose from the crowd but Yanjun could barely register the commotion around him. He was rooted to his seat, his heart a whirlwind of emotions as a single thought resounded in his head.

 

_I did this._

 

Wave after ruthless wave of guilt crashed against his chest. He knew that he had caused Zhangjing pain but he never knew the extent of it. How many nights had Zhangjing spent in tears? How much happiness had Yanjun destroyed for the man that was once his everything? How could Yanjun not have anticipated this when he decided to end it all a year ago?

 

_Selfish, selfish, selfish._

 

Yanjun's body went on auto-pilot. He stood up and felt his legs propel him in the direction he saw Zhangjing flee. He had no idea what he'd say once he found him. Had no idea if Zhangjing would even want to see him after all this time but he had to try. Yanjun opened the door that led to the alley behind the bar. The sight that greeted him made him stop in his tracks.

 

A few meters away was Zhangjing in the tight embrace of an oddly familiar man. A bouquet of blue roses lay at their feet, forgotten for the time being. Yanjun watched as Zhangjing reached up and circled his arms around the other man's neck. Even from this distance, Yanjun could see that Zhangjing was shaking. The other man stroked his back soothingly, letting Zhangjing bury his face in the crook of his neck while whispering words of comfort that Yanjun couldn't hear.

 

It was then when it struck him. Yanjun recognised the man from Dinghao's Instagram post a few weeks back. The same jet-black hair with the stylish undercut. The same sharp jaw and cheekbones and perfect skin. This man and Zhangjing were at the carnival together.

 

The carnival that Zhangjing used to go to with Yanjun and Yanjun only.

 

Yanjun felt a numbness settle over his entire being. Zhanjing looked up to face the man. He wasn't crying anymore. They were whispering to each other now, their faces so close. Something the man said caused Zhangjing to giggle. The sound of it, so warm and joyful, slashed through Yanjun's numbness. It was the first time in a year Yanjun had heard Zhangjing's laughter and that laughter wasn't even for him.

 

Neither of them noticed that they had a spectator. Yanjun preferred it that way. He retreated back through the shadowy doorway, careful to close the door silently so as not to disturb the intimate moment.

* * *

 

Chen Linong awoke with a start. He couldn't remember when he had fallen asleep at the hotel room's desk or how long he had been out but the glowing numbers on the digital clock across the dimly lit room told him it was 3am. Linong stretched his arms over his head before turning off the desk lamp. The half-finished report on his laptop would have to wait. He shuffled over to his soft, inviting, single bed but a glance at the identical bed next to his caused Linong to pause. Lin Yanjun was lying in his own bed, still fully dressed and wide awake. Light from the street lamps outside had filtered through the window and illuminated the planes of his face. Linong had no idea when Yanjun had returned from his night out.

 

"Yanjun..?" Linong whispered tentatively.

 

Yanjun turned his head towards Linong, as if just realising his presence, and smiled softly at him. The tear tracks down Yanjun's cheeks were unmistakeable.

 

Linong felt a pang of sadness in his chest. He padded over to Yanjun's bed and sat down next to his friend.

 

"It didn't go well with Zhangjing?" Linong ventured.

 

Again, no words. Yanjun gave him another soft smile in reply. With the older man so close, Linong could see Yanjun's eyes glistening with new tears that had yet to fall. Linong felt a powerful urge to wrap him in a warm hug.

 

"I couldn't approach him," Yanjun finally said. His voice was hoarse. Whether from crying or from hours of disuse, Linong couldn't tell. Yanjun recounted his night while Linong patiently listened.

 

"I messed up big time, Nongnong," Yanjun said.

 

"It's not too late, Yanjun," Linong insisted. "You can still talk to Zhangjing. Apologise. He might be more willing to forgive you than you think. If he cried during his performance, you must still mean alot to him."

 

"I thought about that," Yanjun replied. He broke eye contact then, opting to face the ceiling instead. "But I decided against it.

 

Why do people apologise, Nongnong?"

 

Linong didn't have to think before answering. "To be forgiven."

 

Yanjun smiled faintly. Linong wanted to tell Yanjun to stop smiling through his sadness. To stop forcing himself to put up a front. But he stayed silent instead.

 

"I used to think that too," Yanjun said. "But then I realised that that kind of centres the offender you know? The main point of an apology shouldn't be so the offender can be forgiven and feel better about themselves. The main point of an apology should be to help the person who was hurt to heal.

 

I read this on Twitter once. Something about how your desire for forgiveness should not be more important than the healing of the person who has been wronged. And how sometimes, the best thing for that person is not to have you enter their life and demand the emotional energy it takes to forgive. Because forgiveness does take a hell load of emotional energy. The Twitter thread said that if your presence is going to cause more conflict than closure for the person who has been wronged, then maybe you should not re-enter the person's life. Not ask for forgiveness at all. And let the person's healing take their own course."

 

Breathing suddenly felt slightly painful for Linong. "And you think this applies to your situation."

 

Yanjun turned his head to meet Linong's eyes. There was a certainty in his gaze and voice when he replied, "I do."

 

"Why?" Linong was grateful his voice didn't crack.

 

"If I had made myself known to Zhangjing in that alley, what good would it have done? He obviously needed comfort in that moment and he found it in the arms of somebody else. You weren't there Nongnong. You didn't see the way that guy looked Zhangjing. So much worry and empathy and tenderness. And you didn't see the way Zhangjing looked back at him."

 

A tear rolled down Yanjun's cheek as he continued, his voice so soft Linong could barely hear him.

 

"He used to look at me like that."

 

Pain sliced through Linong's chest at those words. Yanjun took a deep, shuddering breath. "I want him to be happy, Nongnong. That's all I want. For him to be whole and happy. Even if it's without me in his life. If this guy can make him happy then I want him for Zhangjing. My presence now would only confuse Zhangjing you know? I've been gone for so long. I don't want to mess up a good thing that he has going on right now with this guy. I think I've done enough damage."

 

Tears were running down Yanjun's face freely now but he made no move to wipe them away.

 

"Did you know he brought Zhangjing blue roses? A whole bouquet of them. They were beautiful. I know they were for Zhangjing but it felt like a sign for me somehow.

 

They say that blue roses symbolise an unrealisable dream."

 

It would be hours before sleep would finally overtake Yanjun. Linong's mind however was brimming with too many thoughts to succumb to sleep. He stared at Yanjun, curled up in the bed an arm's length away from his own. Linong resisted the urge to reach out stroke his hair.

 

For the umpteenth time that day, Linong wondered how the man he loved could be so close but feel so far away.


	5. Week 4 (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient! The end of this fic is near! HEEHEE! ♡

Zhangjing had scarcely stepped off the stage before the tears came hard and fast, blurring the colours in his vision. He strode towards the back door of the bar as fast as he could manage, stumbling in the dim light. As he burst through the back door, the cold night air hit him, turning the warm tears on his face into cold wetness. Zhangjing made it a few steps outside before even standing felt too exhausting. He squatted and leaned his back against the brick wall, sobs racking through his body. He didn't care who heared his crying. He didn't care for much of anything beyond the sharp, searing pain in his heart. Zhangjing hugged his knees tightly, as if the action could stop himself from falling apart.

 

Zhangjing could hear someone running towards his general direction but he refused to look up, hoping against hope it wasn't the bar manager coming to ask what the hell happened back there. He hugged his knees tighter and took a deep shuddering breath, trying to at least stop crying before the manager reached him.

 

Nope. Still crying.

 

As expected, the person stopped in front of him but the shoes he was wearing seemed oddly familiar and not at all in the style of the manager. Polished black leather shoes of a luxury brand probably. The person dropped to one knee to bring himself to eye-level with Zhangjing and Zhangjing gasped.

 

_Wang Ziyi._

 

Ziyi's face was wrecked with worry. He lay a bouquet he was holding on the ground before taking Zhangjing gently by the wrists and unwrapping his arms from round his knees. Zhangjing felt strong hands take him by the shoulders and pull him up to his feet and finally into Ziyi's embrace. Zhangjing tip-toed, his arms moving to wrap themselves round Ziyi's neck as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He felt his heart beat faster as the sadness slowly trickled out his chest. A sigh escaped past Zhangjing's lips as he felt Ziyi's right hand rest on the back of his head while Ziyi's left arm wrapped tighter around his waist. As Zhangjing continued to take deep breaths to steady himself, he marvelled at how Ziyi could so effortlessly create a coccoon of safety and warmth for him. Even his scent was comforting. A light musk with vanilla and floral notes. He buried his face in Ziyi's neck, inhaling deeply.

 

"It's okay to cry," Ziyi whispered. "Grief is normal. It's terrible but it's normal."

 

"Even after a year?" Zhangjing mumbled, speaking for the first time since his crying died away. He winced at how scratchy his voice sounded.

 

"Even after a year," Ziyi insisted, rubbing circles into Zhangjing's back. "They say grief oscillates. You'll move again and again between loss and healing. But it doesn't mean that every time you feel loss, you've regressed in your healing process somehow. This oscillation is healthy and it's normal."

 

Zhangjing pulled his face away from Ziyi's neck and gave Ziyi a quizzical look. He said nothing, and Ziyi took his silence as a sign to continue.

 

"It's true," Ziyi said. "You can feel okay for a long time and then one day out of nowhere, grief will hit like a sledgehammer. But over time the period between episodes of grief will become longer and longer. Some days will still be bad but there will be so, so many more good days." Relief softened Ziyi's features when it became clear that Zhangjing had stopped crying for good. "I almost ended my speech with 'I promise' but I know how much you hate promises."

 

Zhangjing almost smiles. "What are you, some kind of grief expert?"

 

When Ziyi chuckled, Zhangjing could feel it through his chest and it warmed his heart. "I took one medical social work module in university. So yes, I am some kind of grief expert."

 

Despite himself, Zhangjing giggles. "Lucky me." Zhangjing noticed how Ziyi's cheeks suddenly turned pink.

 

_Cutie_.

 

"I thought you couldn't come tonight because you had dance practice?" Zhangjing asks. He was no longer tiptoeing and his arms were hanging loosely around Ziyi's neck but he was loathe to let go. This was nice. Looking up into Ziyi's gentle gaze with Ziyi's hands on his hips.

 

"I didn't," Ziyi replied sheepishly. "I said that because I wanted to surprise you after your performance."

 

Zhangjing giggled again. "Mission accomplished." He suddenly remembered the bouquet and disentangled himself from Ziyi to pick it up. "Are these for me?" Zhangjing took a moment to appreciate the flowers, his heart beating loudly in his chest. They were a deep, gorgeous blue. His favourite colour. A dozen roses in simple brown wrapping paper with a white ribbon tied artfully around the stems. It was the most romantic gesture Zhangjing had received in ages. 

 

Before he could touch the bouquet, Ziyi had snatched it off the ground and thrust it in Zhangjing's hands. He was properly blushing now. How is it possible for Ziyi to be any cuter than he already is?

 

"YES these are for you! I wanted to give these to you properly not have you pick them off the floor. And I hope you like roses! I wasn't sure what flowers you liked but my friend said you like blue so blue roses would be a good bet but now I'm not so sur-"

 

" _Ziyi."_

"Yes? I'm sorry I was rambling wasn't I? I'm not a talkative person but I talk alot when I'm with you somehow and-"

 

Ziyi's words died on his lips when Zhangjing laced his fingers with Ziyi's. He brought Ziyi's hand up to his cheek and closed his eyes before pressing a kiss against the back of Ziyi's hand. Ziyi's skin felt warm and smooth against his lips. When Zhangjing opened his eyes, he was met with a wide-eyed and furiously blushing Ziyi.

 

"I love them. I've never gotten blue roses before," Zhangjing told him, beaming bright like the summer sun.

 

"I'm gonna talk to the bar manager for a bit. Apologise for what happened. After that, do you mind walking me home?"

 

"Of course," Ziyi replied softly.


	6. Week 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I'm just gonna write a nice 1.5k chapter.
> 
> *3.5k words later*
> 
> Me: Oh no.

 

Ziyi hummed to himself as he put up a new poster on Royal Bookstore's front door, mind inevitably wandering to one You Zhangjing. For the thousandth time, his thoughts travelled back a week ago when Zhangjing asked him to stay the night. After Ziyi had walked him home from the bar and they said their goodbyes, neither of them moved. It was as if they were both rooted to the ugly doormat outside of Zhangjing’s apartment. Ziyi wasn’t sure if Zhangjing had realised but the older man was still holding onto his hand. When Zhangjing had asked Ziyi to stay, so softly that Ziyi could barely hear him, Ziyi’s reply leapt to his lips before his mind could fully register all the implications of Zhangjing’s request.

 

“Of course."

 

The younger man didn’t know if it was the sleepiness or the evening’s events that made Zhangjing more physically affectionate than usual but he didn’t complain. They spent an hour or so watching videos on his couch, arms intertwined and Zhangjing's head resting on Ziyi’s shoulder. Ziyi didn’t ask if Zhangjing could hear how loudly his heart was beating. He didn’t ask if Zhangjing noticed how naturally their bodies seemed to melt into each other. He didn’t ask if he could press a kiss into Zhangjing’s soft grapefruit-scented hair or kiss Zhangjing’s eyelids when they fluttered shut for a minute too long as the older man's exhaustion slowly took over.

 

He didin’t ask if maybe, Zhangjng would want Ziyi to be his boyfriend.

 

Instead, he asked about everything but. He asked why Zhangjing didn’t want to go to bed yet.

 

“I watch videos before bed. Helps me sleep.”

 

He asked why he watches makeup videos if he doesn’t wear makeup.

 

“They’re still interesting to watch even if you don’t wear makeup! You’ll see! My new favourite makeup YouTuber is coming up next.”

 

When Zhengting’s video popped up on Zhangjing’s laptop screen, Ziyi smiled at the happy coincidence. He knew that Zhengting ran a beauty channel with a steadily growing following but had no idea that his crush was a fan of his best friend’s boyfriend. Zhangjing would be thrilled to meet Zhengting. The cogs in Ziyi’s mind were already working on a plan for them to meet.

 

“Hey Zhangjing? Are you free next weekend cos..”

 

The question died in Ziyi’s mouth before it could be uttered. Ziyi had turned to Zhangjing to find the brown-haired man fast asleep on his shoulder, his chest slowly rising and falling with each breath. Even in slumber, Zhangjing didn't look completely relaxed. Without thinking, Ziyi moved his hand to Zhangjing’s face and gently smoothed the crease between the older man’s brows. An unconscious Zhangjing nuzzled his cheek against Ziyi’s shoulder, completely unaware of how it made Ziyi’s breath catch in his throat. The realisation hit him then. That there was very little he wouldn’t do to help Zhangjing’s heart find peace. The strength and suddenness of the realisation startled Ziyi but he didn’t fight it.

 

“Is it too early to say I love you?” Ziyi whispered into his ear, before drifting off to sleep himself.

 

“ _BRO_!”

 

Ziyi nearly jumped out of his skin, Xukun’s voice effectively shattering Ziyi’s Zhangjing-related reverie.

 

“I called out to you three times! And you didn’t notice!” Xukun glared at him in mock annoyance before smirking. “I don’t even have to ask to know that you were thinking about Zhangjing."

 

Ziyi could only chuckle in response. Xukun knew him to well. His best friend was dressed casually in blue jeans and a white T-shirt underneath a red plaid shirt. More importantly, he was carrying a bouquet. It was Zhengting's first day as a part-time teacher at the children’s ballet studio above Royal Bookstore. Naturally, Xukun had to make an event of it. Zhengting’s lesson was due to end in 30 minutes and Xukun was already armed with flowers and probably a dinner reservation at one of Zhengting’s favourite cafes. 

 

“You’re making fun of me for being in love while being completely whipped for Zhengting? Really?” Ziyi teased. He reached out and took the bouquet carefully in his arms to get a better look at the pink and white lilies. They were gorgeous and very  _Zhengting_.

 

“At least I’m a whipped boyfriend,” Xukun replied while pushing Ziyi’s shoulder playfully. “You’re a whipped non-boyfriend. Have you even asked Zhangjing yet? It’s been a week since that night you gave him roses.”

 

Ziyi pressed his lips into a thin line. “It’s just.. It never seems like the right time.” His excuse sounded weak, even to his own ears.

 

“Bro, it will never seem like the right time. You just gotta go for it. Shoot your shot.” Xukun placed his hands on either side of Ziyi’s head and stepped forward, staring him straight in the eyes. Ziyi couldn’t look away. “You. Deserve. To. Be. Happy. I’m fucking serious bro.”

 

Before Ziyi could reply, a flicker of movement at the edge of his field of vision caught his attention.

 

It was Zhangjing.

 

Zhangjing was standing across the street, staring at him with hurt and shock written plainly across his face. He jumped when he realised Ziyi had noticed him and took a step back, dropping the paper bag he was holding.

 

And then he ran.

 

Ziyi couldn’t think. He shoved the bouquet of lilies back to Xukun, ignoring Xukun's bewildered shouts, ran across the street to pick up Zhangjing’s forgotten bag and gave chase.

 

* * *

 

I’m a fool.

 

I’m a fool _I’m a fool_ _I’M A FOOL **I’M A FOOL**_

 

A chorus of self-deprecation rang in his head as Zhangjing raced past startled pedestrians and familiar shopfronts, his heart pounding in time with his feet against the sidewalk. After a while he wasn’t even sure where he was headed anymore. He just knew he needed to put as much distance between himself and Royal Bookstore.

 

Between himself and Wang Ziyi.

 

Traitorous tears threatened to spill from his eyes but he willed them back. Not here.

 

Zhangjing had thought to surprise Ziyi at his workplace that afternoon. He had even brought a can of premium Oolong tea leaves, knowing that Ziyi was fond of healthy teas. But tea wasn’t the only surprise Zhangjing had planned. Zhangjing had wanted to confess. It had been almost exactly a month since they first met and in a space of 30 days, Ziyi had turned from a complete stranger into one of the most precious people in his life. Ziyi had been nothing but kind and understanding and thoughtful and somewhere along the way, Zhangjing realised that what he felt for his new friend was no longer platonic. He couldn’t quite put his finger on the exact moment he had fallen for the younger man. It was a feeling that had built up so organically over time that Zhangjing hadn’t even noticed it happening until he was too far gone.

 

Not that it mattered now.

 

Zhangjing was just about to cross the street to RB when he caught sight of Ziyi outside the store, chatting with another man whose face he couldn’t see. He watched Ziyi’s expression- open and warm and happy. He watched as Ziyi accepted a bouquet of lilies from the mysterious man. He watched the man take Ziyi’s face in his hands and bring him close.

 

And then Zhangjing couldn’t watch anymore.

 

Breathing was suddenly difficult and painful. And as if Fate wasn't cruel enough, Zhangjing didn’t even get a chance to slip away unnoticed. Ziyi had somehow caught sight of him just before he looked like he was about to kiss the other man. Zhangjing felt like a deer in the headlights. So he ran. He ran and ran and ran until he couldn’t tell if the pain ripping through his chest with every breath was due to the sudden physical activity or due to his heart getting torn in half for the second time in two years.

 

For reasons he couldn’t explain, his feet had brought him to a deserted corner of a neighbourhood park. He carried himself to the shade of the nearest tree before collapsing onto his back. Branches swayed overhead as Zhangjing tried to focus on his breathing and the scent of freshly cut grass. He felt numb. He didn’t want to think. Didn’t want to feel. He wanted terribly to surgically remove every trace of Wang Ziyi from his life.

 

Alas-

 

“YOU ZHANGJING!”

 

Zhangjing jolted to seating position as if struck by lightning. The voice was unmistakeable. He turned behind and was greeted by the unwelcome sight of Ziyi jogging towards him, sweaty and out of breath and face flushed with exertion. Ziyi sat down in front of him, struggling to catch his breath. Zhangjing’s heart was beating fast and anger rose in his chest. He had no idea what to expect but he sure as hell was going to let Ziyi know what an ass he was.

 

“What do you want?” Zhangjing asked, his voice hard as steel.

 

Ziyi looked at him with eyes wide and confused. “Why did you run?”

 

Zhangjing scoffed. The audacity of this man. Knowing full well what he did and still having the gall to play victim. “Why did I run? You’re seriously asking that? _Why did I run_?” Zhangjing knew his voice was rising but he couldn’t help it. Anger was rolling off him in waves now.

 

“HMMMM. Maybe it’s cos I saw you  _flirting_ with another man? Maybe it’s cos you probably have someone else in your life and you still led me on?? Led me on _KNOWING_ what you know about me! Knowing that I’m still healing and still hurting. How could you do that-“ His voice cracked and Zhangjing cursed himself to hell for it but he couldn’t stop now. “How could you know that I liked you and still set me up to hurt like this?” Tears were streaming down his face now but Zhangjing made no move to wipe them. He didn’t care anymore.

 

Ziyi had paled considerably and Zhangjing would have felt bad for him if he wasn’t so enraged. 

 

“Zhangjing, please. Let me explain.”

 

But Zhangjing couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. The words were tumbling out of his mouth in between sobs and hiccups. “I probably deserve this though. You’re so nice and cute and talented and of course other people would see that too and I should’ve been more careful but I wasn’t and you came just when I thought I was ready for love again and it was all too perfect I should’ve known I should’ve-"

 

Ziyi’s warm sure hands were on his shoulders now. The gravity of Ziyi's steady gaze made Zhangjing’s words trail off. Ziyi looked properly distraught now, brows forming deep furrows and facial muscles tense. When he asked again for Zhangjing to allow him to explain, it sounded almost like a plea.

 

And somehow, despite all his anger and sadness, a deep part of Zhangjing couldn't stand to hear Ziyi plead. So Zhangjing listened.

 

* * *

 

 

"That man was Cai Xukun and there is nothing between him and me, I swear. We're best friends. He was at the store with flowers cos he wanted to surprise his boyfriend, Zhu Zhengting. It's Zhengting's first day teaching at the ballet studio above RB and Xukun-"

 

"Wait," Zhangjing interrupted, covering his own mouth with both hands. "Zhu Zhengting? _The_ Zhu Zhengting?"

 

Ziyi paused, absolutely flabbergasted. After all the raised voices and tears shed, the one piece of information that cut through all the misunderstanding was mention of Zhangjing's favourite YouTuber. A laugh bubbled in Ziyi's chest and burst out of him before he could stop himself.

 

"Yes! Yes, _the_ Zhu Zhengting," Ziyi said, relief flooding his veins. He whipped out his phone and went to Xukun's Instagram profile. "Look! See, this is Xukun with Zhengting. They've been together for a year now." Ziyi could see the tension slowly leave Zhangjing's body. Zhangjing had stopped crying now and Ziyi couldn't be more thankful. "The beach barbeque party we're going to this weekend? It's held by Xukun and Zhengting. I invited you cos I knew you'd love to meet Zhengting. I didn't tell you who was hosting it cos I wanted it to be a surprise but well.. Now you know." Ziyi smiled sheepishly.

 

"Oh.. My.. God,” Zhangjing whispered. His jaw went slack as the realisation hit him. "So it was all a misunderstanding?"

 

"YES!" Ziyi replied, beaming from ear to ear. “Yes it was!” He was thoroughly pleased with himself for clearing up the situation so quickly.

 

One second.

 

Two seconds.

 

Three seconds.

 

"WHAT THE HELL!!!!!" Zhangjing covered his face with his hands and brought his knees to his chest, transforming into a tightly coiled human ball of embarrassment. Through Zhangjing's fingers, Ziyi could see that the older man had turned a bright shade of red.

 

Any relief Ziyi had felt evaporated. Zhangjing still being upset after hearing his explanation was not the outcome Ziyi was hoping for.

 

"I lost it! I really lost it over nothing! I'm so sorry Ziyi. I misread the situation and my insecurities took over and oh my God." Zhangjing was so mortified he sounded close to tears again and Ziyi couldn't help thinking that it was really, really cute. He took Zhangjing's hands and carefully pried them from his face. Zhangjing stared apologetically at him with wide eyes, his lips pressed into a thin line. Ziyi fought a sudden urge to kiss his flushed cheeks.

 

"Zhangjing, please. It's alright. I'm just glad things are good between us again." Zhangjing's hands were still in his and Ziyi couldn't remember when his thumbs started rubbing comforting circles over the backs of Zhangjing's hands but he didn’t stop.

 

"I confessed in the absolute worst way possible.” Zhangjing’s gaze dropped to their clasped hands. He took a deep, shuddering breath. Ziyi tried to ignore the way his heart danced at the word “confess”, instead focusing on calming Zhangjing down. Ziyi was about to insist on how it wasn’t the worst confession and how he liked the raw honesty of it when Zhangjing started speaking again.

 

"Would you even want to be my boyfriend now?” Zhangjing said, in a voice so small Ziyi wondered if he was hallucinating. Ziyi must have forgotten to breathe because almost choked on his words trying to speak and gulp down air at the same time.

 

“ _Of course I want to be your boyfriend!_ ” Ziyi sputtered, earning a gasp from Zhangjing. 

 

Any air Ziyi had managed to suck into his lungs got knocked out of him the next second as Zhangjing accidentally tackled him to the ground with the force of his hug. It was disorienting in the best possible way. Zhangjing’s arms around his neck, Zhangjing’s cheek pressed against his, hair tickling his face. Zhangjing’s weight on him while his own back was to the ground. Zhangjing’s scent was everywhere- a clean citrus scent with vanilla undertones- and Ziyi decided right then that it was the best smell in the world. His heart was beating so erratically he thought he might faint. 

 

And if he was being completely honest, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt so much fucking life-affirming joy.

 

“So,” Ziyi said breathlessly. “You think I’m nice and cute and talented, huh?”

 

“Stop teasing me,” Zhangjing replied as he moved to face Ziyi. Zhangjing was blushing now and his face was split in a wide toothy grin that made Ziyi’s heart flip twenty times over. His soft brown locks fell across his eyes and his lips were so _close_. Ziyi’s heart was thundering in his chest. “I take that back. You’re just cute and talented. Not nice at all.” Ziyi licked his lips at the exact moment Zhangjing’s eyes darted to them. “Just plain rude..”

 

“Will you just kiss me already?” Ziyi murmured, not able to take his eyes off Zhangjing’s lips.

 

The last thing Ziyi heard before Zhangjing’s mouth closed over his was the older man's almost musical giggling. The kiss was soft and tender and Zhanging’s hand was cupping his cheek and the sweetness of it all threw Ziyi into a daze. They broke apart for a moment before Zhangjing’s mouth was on his again, harder this time. _Demanding_. Zhangjing moaned softly into the kiss and every coherent thought in Ziyi’s mind snapped. His hands reached up to wrap tightly around Zhangjing’s waist, pressing him ever-closer. Zhangjing’s fingers had slid upwards, tangling themselves in Ziyi’s hair and when he tugged, Ziyi could’ve sworn he hadn’t meant to groan but the sound slipped past his lips anyway. Zhangjing broke the kiss then, panting harshly and face still so fucking _close_. His eyes were wide and shining with want and.. incredulity? Like he couldn’t believe this was happening. Ziyi can only imagine that he looked just as desperate for more. The older man rolled his hips and it sent Ziyi’s mind reeling. Ziyi could already feel a warmth coiling tightly in his groin. If Zhangjing kept this up he would embarrassingly hard in no tim-

 

“HEY! THIS IS A FAMILY-FRIENDLY PARK!” a passer-by hollered.

 

Zhangjing and Ziyi sprang apart as if by magic. For a moment they just stared at each other, their stunned silence broken only by the sound of their ragged breaths. And then they smiled. And then they burst into laughter. Loud, uncontrollable, liberating laughter that rang through the entire park.

 

* * *

They entered RB hand-in-hand feeling like a pair of guilty teenagers. Xukun gave them one stern sweeping look, gaze lingering on their grass-stained clothes and blushing faces and the crumpled paper bag Ziyi was holding, before sighing like a disappointed parent. 

 

“Bro. You really ran off and abandoned me here so you could have sex in some random field?” Xukun chided. “I had to man the counter myself when you were gone and I don’t even work here.”

 

Ziyi rubbed the back of his neck and had the decency to look remorseful. “Well. It was more of a park and we really didn’t have sex in the park-“

 

“DID SOMEONE SAY _SEX IN THE PARK_?” Zhengting practically flew down the stairs before grinding to a halt next to Xukun and punching him in the arm. “Why don’t _we_ ever have sex in the park huh?”

 

“First of all, do you have bionic ears or something babe? You were literally still in the studio when he said that. Second of all, I don’t get off on fucking in public,” Xukun retorted, rubbing the sore spot in his arm where Zhengting had punched him.

 

“Don’t diss it till you try it.”

 

Ziyi, Xukun and Zhengting froze, turning to the source of the reply, whose cheeks were slowly turning a bright pink.

 

“That’s kind of hot, babe,” Ziyi whispered while squeezing Zhangjing’s hand, his imagination already taunting him with possibilities.

 

“Did not take you for a public sex kink kind of guy..” Xukun remarked, narrowing his eyes at Zhangjing as if reassessing him. The corners of his mouth quirked upwards in a subtle, approving smile.

 

Zhengting however, seemed to have noticed Zhangjing’s presence for the first time. His eyes flew to Ziyi and Zhangjing’s interlocked fingers before covering his mouth with his hands and screeching.

 

“OH MY GOD!” Zhengting exclaimed, thrusting his hand out for a handshake. “YOU MUST BE YOU ZHANGJING!”

 

Zhangjing turned an even brighter pink, if that was possible. “That’s me,” he squeaked, accepting Zhengting’s extremely enthusiastic handshake. “I’ve watched all your videos and I’m a huge fan.”

 

“WANG ZIYI I LOVE HIM ALREADY!” Zhengting was near-shrieking at this point. “HOW DARE YOU KEEP THIS CUTIE TO YOURSELF! You’re coming to the barbecue this weekend right? Because if you can’t make it I will personally reschedule it to a day that you can. _I need you to be there_. We’re going to have so much fun!”

 

“We are not rescheduling the entire barbecue, Ting..” Xukun couldn’t find it in himself to pretend to be annoyed anymore. He just stared at Zhengting with an exasperated, adoring gaze as Zhengting objected.

 

Ziyi stifled a laugh. He felt so much happiness at seeing his friends get along so well with his new boyfriend.

 

_Boyfriend_.

 

Ziyi looked to Zhangjing and squeezed his hand again. Zhangjing beamed at him and squeezed back. The older man glanced at Xukun and Ziyi to make sure they were still bickering before tiptoeing and giving Ziyi a light kiss on the lips. It sent a jolt through his whole body and Ziyi wondered how he had survived their passionate kiss in the park when a light kiss made him so giddy. Zhangjing looked Ziyi straight in the eyes then and it hit Ziyi again how handsome this man is. He didn’t think he would ever tire of those wonderfully expressive brown eyes and that brilliant smile. Never ever.

 

“Is it too early to say I love you?” Zhangjing whispered, his breath tickling Ziyi’s ear.

 

“Not when I feel the same.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Took ages to write and I didn't know where I was going with it most of the time but I liked how it turned out! I blame my sister for feeding me too many miscommunication AUs smdh. Follow us on @nongcubines on Twitter! Also let me know how you feel about an Idol Producer YouTubers AU uhuhuhu..


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